Life

Kids are confusing.

For example, yesterday we had a mini-Thanksgiving meal with my brother-in-law and his family.  We’ve made this an annual thing that we do…getting together for a turkey dinner and pumpkin pie.  I don’t know what it is about pumpkin pie that makes it so good, but it is one of my favorites.

As I was preparing the pies I had leftover pie crust dough.  Kalli asked to play with it.  I looked at her and thought about it.  What would it hurt.  I handed the scraps from one of the crusts and she played with it until it got to be too warm and started getting sticky.  She then switched out for the other ball of dough.

Cassie then decided that she wanted in on the fun and asked for a ball.  I then let them each have a ball and we put them in the fridge once they got too warm.  They made things with the dough.  They played with it like balls.  And as long as it wasn’t making a horrendous mess, I let them.  This is no joke, they played with the dough for over 5 hours.

Now I ask, why do I buy them toys?  I jokingly told them that for Christmas I was buying them each a pie crust.  That is an idea that, for some reason, they couldn’t get behind though.
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So, lately you may have noticed a certain lack in posts.  I’m also not taking pictures like I normally do.  I just don’t feel like myself.  There is something missing.  I have no enthusiasm and have a feeling of not caring about anything.

It isn’t affecting the girls because I won’t let it.  I still play and am silly with them.  I cuddle and love them to pieces.  However, something is just off with me.

I’m not enjoying things like I should be.  Fall is one of my favorite seasons and I feel like I don’t even care this year.  Usually I like to keep the house somewhat tidy (there is no real tidy when you have young children), however, lately I feel myself looking around and then ignoring it hoping that it will just go away or that little fairies will come and do it for me.  I’m lacking in energy and am having headaches more frequent.

I’m not enjoying these feelings one bit.  I actually called my psychiatrist today because something isn’t right.  I know we adjusted one of my prescriptions back in August, but I’m not sure if that is the culprit.  I have an appointment on Thursday to see him and I’m just hoping that we can fix things.  I feel like from time to time I’m alright, but overall inside I don’t feel like myself.

My depression has been doing very well for quite a while now.  A little tweaking is needed from time to time, but I’m able to get through days without even thinking about it.  For the past month though, things haven’t been so good and it honestly scares me.

People that don’t suffer from depression have trouble comprehending the feelings and some people therefore brush them to the side as ‘in the person’s head’.  I can’t count the number of times I’ve heard, “if you would just eat better you’d feel better” or “if you would exercise more you’d feel better”.  Seriously?  This is just a bunch of B.S.  If it were that simple don’t you think that people would ‘fix’ themselves.  It just isn’t that simple.  Eating good and exercising doesn’t change the chemicals in your brain.

Here is the best way I know how to explain what depression feels like.  Imagine you are under a heavy wool blanket and feel as though you are being suffocated.  You can’t see any light and the weight of the blanket holds you down and keeps you from moving.  When you start on a prescription that works, (because they don’t all work for everyone) the blanket starts to lift some, the light hurts your eyes, and you can breath a bit easier.  However, this lifting of weight, excess of oxygen, and seeing some sunlight is strange and scary.  At first you are afraid of the changes you feel, but once the blanket has been completely removed you wonder how you survived the restrictive life you once led.

The worst part of coming out from under that blanket is that you live in fear of being back under the blanket.  Just having an “off day (or month)” makes you want to panic that you will once again be suffocated and alone.  And that is where I am now.  I’m panicking some.  No matter how much I smile and pretend for those around me, I can’t escape the fact that something is wrong.  So I’m working on it.  I’m trying to find my way back to outside the blanket.  Pull myself together and remind myself that this isn’t the real me and that this isn’t forever.

It just proves my other example…when you suffer from a mental condition, your brain is ‘broken’ and does not work like other peoples’.  You can operate and seem normal with the aide of prescriptions, yet your brain is still ‘broken’.  The meds are just a bandaid that allows you to get through days.  And from time to time bandaids need to be changed some.

I’m working on getting my bandaid adjusted and once things get back to normal, I’ll be back to posting more regularly.

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One Response to Life

  1. Sara says:

    Paula,

    I sincerely hope that you start feeling better soon. I’m glad you noticed that your depression was coming back and made an appointment with you psychiatrist before it got any worse. “A” is having a bad time this past week with his depression and anxiety too and had a med change last Friday. I’m hoping that this combo of new meds helps him, but it’ll take awhile for the full effect to kick in.

    I’m keeping you in my thoughts…

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