I’ve been having a rough time lately. I think it has been about a week now that I am just feeling off. And by off, I really mean that my depression isn’t as controlled as it is usually. This leaves me more sad, distanced, emotional, and feeling a little like I am drugged. (clarification: I feel slower then usual, weighted down, tired, sluggish, and…like I’m drugged) I have been taking all my meds regularly (mostly. Hey, I’ve only been late twice) Because of this, though, I’ve been avoiding people some.
When I am feeling like this I am not fit to be with other human beings. At least that is how I feel. I just want to go up into my bed and hide. If I’m not around people, I can’t say anything that I wouldn’t normally and no one has to know that I’m not myself. I tell Andy that during this time “I’m not fit for human consumption.” Not that on a good day I am fit for people to eat. It’s just that when I’m down like this, I feel like I shouldn’t be around any human beings. It’s hard because I can’t hide in my room or the house for that matter. Things need to be done. And as much as I want to, I know that not leaving the house isn’t an option.
The only person that understands me is Andy. Over the past 10 years he has learned to see the signs (though sometimes he doesn’t see them right away) and exactly what to do when I head down this road. He gives me space, yet stays close for when I need to reach out. He reassures me that I’m not crazy and pushes me some when necessary. He knows me and is pretty much the only one that I’ve let inside the stone walls that I build up around myself.
I’m able to keep myself together when the girls are around for the most part. There are times when I do go upstairs and they know that I’m having a rough time. They know that I’m upset and that Andy comes up to talk to me and hold me while I cry. I’ve been frank with the girls about what is wrong with me. That something in my brain doesn’t work the way it should. My way of describing it to close friends and family is that my brain is broken. My medicines and the professionals that I see work as bandaids to keep me operating. But underneath it all, I’m still broken. I will never be ‘all better’. And no matter how much I try to be fixed, I’m still going to have breakthroughs and times that I’m not okay.
All this is to say that yesterday was a very rough night. I went up to lay down for a bit and be alone and Andy came up to rub my back and talk for a bit. When we came downstairs we found both the girls sleeping. They were so sound asleep I was able to get pictures.
Have I mentioned how much I love my girlies and how lucky I am to have such a wonderful husband and beautiful little girls??