July 10, 2011

A new week begins tomorrow and it has to be better then this past week.

This past week was without a doubt nothing less then Hell for me.  It started out right away early in the week when I ran out of one of my prescriptions.  For those that don’t remember (and for me who is still trying to be proud of who I am and what I deal with everyday) I am Bipolar, have ADHD, and OCD.  The medicine that I was out of wasn’t one of the real important ones but still one that keeps me functioning day to day.

I went to refill it only to find out that my insurance had lapsed.  It would be returning (thank God) but I’d still be without it for a short period of time.  The medicine that I was out of was not in a price range that we could pay out of pocket either.  Therefore, I would go without it.

Part of my “quirks” (I call them quirks when really they are things that make me who I am, but aren’t necessarily good things) is that I was glad it was me that was going to suffer and not anyone else in the family.  I hate the thought of anyone suffering or going without.  Unless it is me, it seems.  If it is me, and I know this doesn’t make any sense, I figure I deserve to go without.  I deserve to be in pain or lacking.  The logic part of my brain agrees that I’m not only insane but also personally destructive.  The part of my brain that is ‘broken’ (which is also the loudest part of my brain at times) says that this completely makes sense and that if I do things for me then I am being selfish.  Not sure why I’m trying to explain this but I know that a lot of people around me don’t understand this about me and I want to try to get them to understand it.  I can’t control what my brain sometimes tells me and it is hard not to listen.  I’m just putting this out there so that maybe this will click with someone and an understanding will be reached.  Either with me or with another person whose brain works like mine.

I digress.  I went half of the week without my one medication before my insurance was sorted out.  In the meantime I did try getting samples from the doctor’s office but due to the kind of drug they can’t keep any on hand.  I am proud of myself though for making it.  It was both physically and mentally painful.  The withdrawals made me nauseous, exhausted, and unable to do very much at all.  However, I made it.  I was so happy to get my little bottle of pills that I could have made out with them right there in the pharmacy.  I took them right away that night and have never been so happy to take my pills and feel ‘normal’.

So this week has to be better then last week.  I’m fully medicated, fully functional, and fully re-energized by the idea that I can feel this good.  I have insurance and am diagnosed properly which I am very fortunate to be.  It made me think of those who aren’t as lucky as I am and how it is that they get by.  I can’t quite wrap my head around this idea and what I would do in their position.

~~~~~~~~~~

I am now going to go into dangerous territory.  Territory that usually I would completely avoid.  However, it goes into a story so I decided to tippy toe my way into it.

I have never really pushed religion on my girls.  I don’t talk about religion because I don’t want to seem like I’m pushing it on anyone around me.  However both the girls are baptized and when they were younger we attended church regularly.  Since then, though, it has fallen to the wayside.  Sleep seems more important and getting everyone ready and to church just not a priority.

Mind you, I have my beliefs and I share them with the girls.  Going to one certain building doesn’t seem to me at this point like something that I should have to do to be closer to God or to pray.  I have questions that no one can seem to answer and I don’t know all the correct terminology whatsoever.  For a while I didn’t know if I believed in anything.  Having children in general and Cassie’s birth, surgeries, and the way she has beat the odds has changed a lot for me though.

I do feel guilty from time to time that I don’t educate the girls more in the religion that they are baptized.  That I don’t attempt to raise them with those values right out in the open.  I do, however, share with them my beliefs and what I do know from the religion classes I had so long ago.

All this is to lead into my story about last summer.  Our neighbors across the street were going to be holding a “Bible Camp” for one week in the morning.  I decided that it would be good for the girls to get a taste of things and to see what they would think about it.  They loved it.  Every morning they got ready without prompting and I would walk them across the street for their 1.5 hour lesson.  They memorized verses and were proud when they could recite them for our neighbor.

This year I asked about “Bible Camp” when I saw one of the daughters out working in the garden.  She confirmed that they would be holding it again and Thursday they brought the info over to me.

Here is the part where the story thickens.  Camp this year will be held at the neighbors’ church which is on the other side of town.  It will be for 2 hours in the evening for 4 consecutive days.  I haven’t talked with the girls about this yet because I don’t know if they will be able to attend.  Gas is expensive and our vehicle sucks gas like it is going out of style.

My neighbor was going to offer to give the girls rides, but she will be picking up several other children so she doesn’t think she’ll have room.  I am considering making a trip over there tomorrow to confirm this though.  I am just not sure what to do about this.  I’m torn.

~~~~~~~~~~

And this is where I’m at tonight.  This week is going to be better though.  It has to be 🙂

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